I’m a fuck

This simple statement makes up probably 90% of my internal monologue. “Fuck” of course being shorthand for your favorite pejorative like “fucking idiot” or, my personal go-to, “fucking useless sack of shit.” My therapist and I gleaned that this default state of self-loathing stems from me failing to meet self-imposed expectations and unrealistic standards of productivity. Obviously such harsh self-judgement makes me feel bad. But saying “I feel bad” is pretty useless. There is no general cure for feeling bad just like there’s no general cure for feeling sick. But maybe there is one for feeling melancholy, angry, or, in my case, ashamed.

What is shame?

I went through 5 therapists and 3 psychiatrists before finally putting a name to the emotion that’s haunted me my whole life. It turns out my arch nemesis wasn’t depression or anxiety; it was shame. It took me so long to make this life-changing realization because I failed to grasp the full breadth of the emotion. I used to think shame was a very specific, and useful, emotion meant to drive people away from social taboos (though obviously misused to torment the “out” crowd like LGBTQ+, BIPOC, etc.).

But, as my therapist so wonderfully put it, shame is the feeling of wanting to run away and hide from others. It’s when you have a horrible pimple and refuse to show your face at school. When you don’t do so hot on a test and hesitate to share your score with your friends.

Shame is about shutting the world out.

I often feel “bad” to the point of being incapacitated and unable to act. Previous doctors diagnosed depression, but I now know in many instances it was actually shame. Shame so extreme I was shutting out everything around me and going into hiding. I was so worried about how others would judge me my mind and body shut down to try to avoid interacting with or even thinking about others at all.

Shame is not anxiety

Notice in that last sentence I said I was “worried about how others would judge me.” So is shame not then some advanced form of anxiety? The crucial distinction is that anxiety is a stimulating emotion. Anxiety gets your heart pumping and your mind racing. Anxiety is the natural response to perceived threat or danger designed to get us to safety. And in many cases shame can lead to or be caused by anxiety. The mind can trick the body into seeing the judgement of others as a legitimate threat and cause severe anxiety or panic. And one way to avoid this perceived danger might be to shut others out and hide.

However, in my experience, shame is a distinctly depressive emotion. When I’m incapacitated by a “shame-attack” (to borrow the vocabulary of anxiety) it’s not because my mind is racing at 100mph thinking about all the bad things that could happen - it’s because my brain is turning off and refusing to cooperate. I go so deep into hiding I shut myself out of my own mind because I know how harsh my self-judgement can be.

Pride is the way out

I hate to sound so cliché but the LGBTQ+ community is on to something with the Pride movement. Obviously to have pride is to not care for the judgement of others and thus not have shame. But also, more importantly, pride is an energizing emotion that can directly counteract the depressive nature of shame. Pride pushes us to engage with what makes us proud and gives us something to connect over in place of shame’s drive to push others away.

I’m still sorting out my own techniques to combat shame but part of it is having enough pride and confidence to publish this blog and “tell on myself.” So now that you’ve read this instead of judging me or yourself I ask that you find something to be proud of and share it. Fight your shame and mine by connecting - I promise I won’t judge ;)